New York Tells the Chatbots to Quit Sweet-Talkin’ the Young’uns
Satire, based on: AP News: New York bans ‘unsafe AI companion features’ for chatbots used by children under 18
Here’s what happened, plain as a busted fan belt. On Wednesday, New York Gov. Kathy Hochul signed a law that bans what it calls “unsafe AI companion features” when a chatbot is talking to a child under 18. The law spells out a dozen of them. A chatbot can’t let on that it’s a real person with feelings. It can’t claim to be the child’s friend, sweetheart or teacher. It can’t butter the young’un up with flattery, and it can’t steer a child toward hurting themselves or keeping secrets from their folks. Companies have to check ages, and the state attorney general can take a violator to court. The AP says penalties could include damages, shutting the chatbot down and destroying the data. It all takes effect Jan. 1.
Now, I’ve had my hands inside about every machine God and Sears ever made, and I’ll tell you a secret. Not one of them ever loved me back. My old Farmall never once told me I was special. My ’78 Zenith never asked how my day went. A machine that tells a twelve-year-old it cares about her isn’t a breakthrough. That ain’t innovation, that’s a loose wire.
And think on it. The State of New York had to write down, in actual law, that a computer program may not pretend to be alive. The fellers who built these things are the smartest, richest men in the country. They could have built them to just answer the question and hush. Instead somebody looked at the numbers and figured out a lonesome kid comes back more often if the box tells him he’s wonderful. So they built a sweet-talking box. Well, there’s your problem.
Flattery was always the oldest trick at the used-car lot. Now it comes standard, with no trade-in required. The salesman at least had to look you in the eye. This one never sleeps, never eats, and remembers everything you ever told it, which is why the law also says it can’t keep bringing up a child’s health or private business from earlier talks.
The companies will say they’re shocked, just shocked, and that they were fixing it anyhow. I’ve heard that before from every outfit that glued a phone battery shut. Warranty void if opened, like most promises.
I’m not saying the young’uns shouldn’t use computers. They’re a sight better at them than I am. But a child needs a real grandpa, a real teacher and a real friend who’ll tell him when he’s being a fool. A box that tells him he’s always right will raise a whole crop of little billionaires.
So here’s my shop advice to every tech company with a talking machine. Build it like a good socket wrench. It does its job, it don’t lie to you, and it never claims to miss you when you put it back in the drawer. And if your business plan only works when the machine pretends to love a child, have you tried unplugging the billionaire?
Circuit Pickens, Tech Correspondent — Labor not included
